The Dating Game |
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The Dating Game when you're over 65
It was three years since I had been widowed. I began to feel a need for that unique relationship you have with one person who is there to share your experiences, who is there to hear your reactions and understand. Whether it is a play you’ve both seen or drinks with friends or an item in the morning newspaper, there are thoughts you are eager to express with someone.
That someone for me was my husband of 42 years.
And now, although I have women friends, grown children and grandchildren, the need persisted and it seemed to be a need for a male companion. There’s a frisson, a chemistry, a different point of view that a man provides and that I thought I wanted. I decided to contact an introduction agency, and chose one that was looking to develop their mature market.
My Previous Efforts in the Dating Game
I had had a few forays into the dating game before. Truthfully, I didn’t want anyone for the first two years. It was in the third year that I decided to make an effort. I asked the long-widowed father of my son’s friend to the theatre. The invitation seemed to overwhelm him. He hired a car to take us there and made reservations at an expensive restaurant for dinner afterwards. I knew he was rather shy, not great at conversation. Perhaps I would spark a few more words. The evening was pleasant and I thought he would return the invitation. He told his son he’d had a wonderful time.
That was it! I can’t begin to give you an answer as to why he never called.
At a fundraising dinner I sat opposite a most attractive man who had known my husband years before. We chatted happily about people we knew and places where we had both lived. At the end of the evening we went our separate ways. But we had a mutual friend, and I thought - great - I’ll invite them both for drinks. In the end, he asked us both instead to his elegant house, filled with art and books and good taste. He also had a place in Tuscany. Perfect.
Sadly, I discovered that since his divorce some twenty years before, he’d had a very attractive steady partner.
The Introduction Agency
Obviously, I wasn’t making the right choices on my own. I was ready to try an introduction agency. I telephoned and made an appointment. For some reason I was expecting a fly-by-night shady office. But this one was a bright and spacious modern suite, with a gracious interviewer to explain the procedure. “Critical to our success,” she said, “is the Chemistry Factor Analysis.” This is a study of what makes you and your potential partner tick.
After answering some 90 questions, a profile of your likes, dislikes and personality emerges to be matched by a custom computer programme to likely candidates. A photograph is included. And the agency provides a professional photographer to show you at your best.
Three profiles of likely men arrived in the mail. I could choose to meet one or all three and then the agency would send my profile to the prospect gentleman. If he was interested they would give him my telephone number (no address, no last name, keeping your identity confidential). I mulled over the three profiles for some days. None of them appealed. “You must at least try one,” said Sandra when I telephoned to say I didn’t want to meet any of them. “You need to take that first step,” she advised. Have an open mind.” Which one of the three? The agency had matched many of the same interests. My candidates all enjoyed eating out, travel, similar music (classical and jazz) and art ( fine and contemporary). I realised later that I was comparing their backgrounds and professional achievements with my husband. None of them measured up.
But I had to be brave. How to select out? One had a dog, a whippet. I dislike the skinny hairless look of the breed. Another was a retired personnel director of a large company. Possibly a profession attracting people with no sense of humour, I decided, knowing this was arbitrary. I turned to the third. He looked like fun to be with. His major interest was horse racing and his perfect evening out was going to the Ascot races. I like horses although I am not a follower of the track.
When John called he suggested we meet at a mutually convenient pub at 1 pm for a drink. I hope you’re not just a coffee drinker, he said. A glass or two of wine is fine with me, I replied. We drank for a full hour and a half with no mention of lunch. I felt like I was 20 years old again, propping up the bar, knowing that I was attracting a “bloke.” The race weekends he told me about sounded like fun though a bit raunchy. I had to leave at 2:30. “ May I call you?” he asked. “Let’s plan on Ascot week.” Fine, I said.
Royal Ascot came and went. No call . I speculated. Was I too old? I am 70. He was 68. He could have his choice of much younger women. Had he met someone in the meantime? I never did find out.
A Singles Social Club
With membership of the agency comes free membership of a singles social club. Their diary of events looked appealing – cocktail party at the London Carlton Hyatt Hotel, summer barbecue at Kensington Roof Gardens, black tie dinner dance. I was worried, though, about age. I checked with Stanley Mann who runs the club. “Be frank with me. I’m 70. Before I put down £45 for a cocktail party or £89 for a dinner dance, will there be anyone there who would come up and talk to me or conceivably ask me to dance?” I pictured myself standing on the sidelines like a teenager at a first dance, a wallflower. “There are men who come who are 65, he replied, “but most attendees are in the 30 to 55 age range. I have to be honest. The older men simply prefer the younger women.” (Joan Collins may be the exception). He suggested a dining club of older business people, singles, who come mainly for networking. At £75 a throw I decided not to have a go.
The Second Date
The next agency member who said he was interested in meeting me was 84. Horrors, I thought. He’s ancient. He was the first, though, who had been widowed. And when we talked over the phone he expressed the same needs I had -- a person who is there to share conversation, to fill the gap a spouse of many years has left. When I told Sandra he seemed too old she said he was very physically fit and lively. She had been impressed by his intellect.
He was impressed with my conversation on the phone, revealing he had already turned down three other women. Would I come to his house? I should take the morning train from London, he would meet me at the station to take me to his house for morning coffee, then to his golf club for lunch, and return home for tea. He said he wanted to show me the house so I would be comfortable with it for the future.
I was slightly alarmed. The future! He didn’t want marriage, it had said on his profile, just a committed partner to share those conversations.
I couldn’t go through with it. When he called to confirm arrangements I had to tell him frankly I was not interested in living with someone, nor for that matter, in marriage. It would not be fair to him to initiate a relationship that was not going where he wanted it to.
What I’ve not been too honest about, is that I am still interested in a physical relationship. I miss it. But the thought of someone else’s ageing body - other than that of my spouse - has filled me with undesire.
I have my friends, family, my writing and volunteer work, and I will have to take my chances. Some one may appear but I seem to care less and less. It does take time to adjust to life alone, but I am not lonely. I still turn to that invisible person on the couch when something comes on television that reminds me of a joke or an experience. I may even form the comment in my mind, or alarmingly laugh out loud. I do, after all, make the comments, and I do still laugh.
What I Learned
· Try a reputable agency. It may work. But even if it doesn’t, going through the process teaches you valuable lessons about what you want and need. You’ll be changing too. · It’s a fact of life and death. Over 65s women will find mates thin on the ground. 65 plus men will have richer pickings. But there is still hope. · Relationships start most naturally from friendships and friendships start with common interests. · Remember you can never replace the one who has gone. They were unique, and the qualities they possessed were unique. The new man or woman will also have unique qualities.
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